Part of May 2012 by

Red Rocks 2012: Somebody Better Put a Dome on that Sucker (Bird Poop Alert)

I could be wrong but there seems to be a lot more Red Rocks shows this year than the last couple-few. Which is awesome because as a human being you intrinsically know at birth that Red Rocks is the best total-pain-in-the-ass venue in the sentient universe and yes: My hyperbole drive is stuck on ludicrous again.  Okay, so let’s get started with the first nostalgia tour on the calendar.  Get this – on May 8th: THE NUGE! Ted Nugent opening up for Styx and REO Speedwagon. (I’m going to this one actually.) My only criticism of this show is that I wish the THE NUGE! was opening up on the upcoming James Taylor dates (July 23rd-24th) instead.  Can you picture ten thousand about-to-retire software CFO’s from Boulder using their clip-on pony tails to guard against two thousand NUGE! fans who brought rolled up bomb shelter plans to the show (“Just in case I get bored, Honey.”) and are using them as fairly flaccid beat sticks against the giant horde of elderly hippie piñatas that made the mistake of occupying the same space as them! I know I can and exactly half way through the REO Speedwagon set I can guarantee you I will start daydreaming it.

Now as far as I know it costs a quarter million dollars to book Red Rocks for a day.  The Fray have two shows in a row which are May 11th and 12th.  Tickets start at around $50 before the miscellaneous-charges-magician waves his incredible debiting wand (Look! My bank balance is floating away! Such a happy lump of magicness..)   I have a hard time believing these shows will break-even let alone make money (Unless The Fray fans suddenly all become binge drinkers at the venue.) but I guess there’s a whole bunch of people out there with $50 plus charges potential who need a big piano rock hug.  Tell you what.  Give me the $50 and I will get you a 30 rack of PBRs and drop you off Larimer Lounge for a few days with a roll of quarters to make a fist with.  That should solve your weepiness issues.

The first electronica festival of the season is the Global Dub Festival featuring: Flux Pavilion & Doctor P with Datsik, Dirtyloud, and Downlink.  They are calling this one a festival but it starts at 730pm and its only one day.  So it’s a show (The difference between a show and a festival is that after a festival you scream these words crying while trying poorly to drive all the way home: “LEAVE ME ALONE.. ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP!” and after a show you go, “Wow, that was really very cool. I totally got my second wind. Let’s get some chili cheese fries and a couple pints to wash them down ol’ chap.”  Okay maybe without the “Ol’ chap” part.   But the lineup for this event is definitely stellar and cutting edge in the genre.  Besides the headliner Flux Pavilion, Datsik has been making a huge dent in the dubstep scene and should be watched and enjoyed on the ol’ radar screen.

Next up is Eric Church on May 19th.  I guess he is some sort of country mega-music-star but I am too afraid to research him.  The last time I investigated a modern country star I sang-hummed IE “summed” their hit for a whole day and my soul ran away and ended up in a local dog pound. Try explaining that $45 charge on your credit card bill to somebody.  But there’s something different about this dude.  Most mega-people who play Red Rocks perform 8 shows a quarter and then go see which Ferrari their Shih Tzu “Tyler Z the Third” likes to ride in better or if the volcano named after them wants to be petted yet.  Eric Church is ending a 50 date tour which started on January 19th in Fort Smith, AR and lands at Red Rocks on May 19th, 2012.  And get this: here is the price spread on tickets:  $37.50 – $39.50 plus applicable service charges.   Wow, so you’re playing 50 dates on this tour and then up-selling me a whole $2 for reserved seating at Red Rocks?!  Madness! Is there some sort of profit losing authority I can report this to?  Yeah, I am totally doing that Donald Sutherland Invasion of the Body Snatchers pointy thing at you buddy! (PS. Late breaking news! The guy is totally rad! Still ain’t gonna listen to him though.)

I’m totally jealous of LMFAO.  Biggest electronic party-party-party-party act in the world and there ain’t no apologies as they add multi-multi-multi-multi millions to their bank account.  If their show on May 28th hasn’t sold yet then it will soon.  I’m going to start a tribute act called RMFAO and I bet I still become a millionaire on that.  I’m not going to bet you a million but enough to buy a bratwurst at Red Rocks and yeah you get your own onions buddy.

In the modern world of band naming the majestic word “The” must only be used if you are an indie rock band.  If by some mistake you are a band of a different genre and you have “The” in your name then you will be penalized by playing bowling alleys.  The Shins are playing Red Rocks May 29th with The Head and THE Heart (Double indie rock THE points!) and Blind Pilot who forgot the “the”.  This will sell out and I have no idea why.

The last act I’m going to touch on is Bon Iver from Wisconsin.  Now the most interesting thing I have done in the remote parts of Northwestern Wisconsin is take my dad’s riding lawn mower drive it a couple miles to the nearest town, buy a twelver of PBR, and then cruise up and down one light main street while waving at people with a can of PBR in the other hand.  They waved back.  Even the town’s one police officer.  Nice people.   Bon Iver in the exact same place and timeframe decided to write a Grammy winning folk album that totally deserves your ear and respect and is worth the $40 for their May 31st show at Red Rocks.  I’m kind of wondering if I waved at a member of Bon Iver that fateful riding lawn mower adventure day.  As weird as my life is I think it’s possible.

Stay tuned for part two.

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