3 Reasons Why Facebook is Toast

Why yes! I do know that I am declaring Facebook’s Myspace land (like descent into Pets.com) immediately after Zuckerberg gloriously announced video calling for all FB users.  Well sorta, not for you smart-phone users, which of course would have been the only real revolution in that sort of announcement.  Hey listen, Zuckerbook and Co.  just might sprint away with this repackaged Skype hype and become the global leaders in video conferencing with their sentient piles of money while Facebook itself continues its descent into the steaming pile.  It happens. Now on with the show.

Reason 1:  Nostalgia lasts about as long as it takes for familiarity to breed contempt.  Honestly I was born without the universal nostalgia tendon that applies to every moment of my life that some people seem to use to walk on everyday.  Certain people, certain times, certain places…sure! Sign me up, and let’s get weepy about it. But what I noticed in my little Facebook world was just an onslaught of forty-somethings like myself sending relentless friend requests to people that they had shared a random plate of nachos with just before they forgot who that person was in real life 20 years ago. But now they want to catch up today cuz it’s just so mouse-clicking easy.  It’s like ordering nostalgia from Amazon without the shipping.  The end result has been basically like a boring BBQ, where you swiftly ignore the people you have always ignored and your friends are the ones you call on the way home to talk about the people you ignored.  In other words there is an absolute carved-in-stone reason why you have only talked to the same high school mates since graduation. And there’s a bunch of people getting that vibe these days and ignoring the Facebook nerd in the corner. 

Reason 2: Viruses, hacks, phishes and the fourth horseman: awkward advertising.  The real coffin-nail reason that Myspace has taken a dirty header into obscurity is because of all the hacks and viruses.  About three years ago my computer caught a virus off of Myspace that was so horrific it couldn’t even be deleted it had to be “Quarantined”.  The virus still lives inside of that old PC somewhere…waiting.  What kind of escaped maniac mechanical fuck-you virus does it take to reach that level?  The social media kind.  So when Facebook swooped in and was like, “Andy Griffith of websites here! We’ll reunite your family, friends, lost loves and save that tree locked rascal kitten of yours!”  several hundred million of us went “Yay!”.  Now several hundred million of us go, “What..the?  What did I just click on?  HEY! No really… um…did all my friends just see that?!”  Even though I have been very guilty of mocking those who have clicked on the obvious phishes and hacks I feel sorry for those who perhaps have just recently joined the interwebs and FB thinking it was a kind and forgiving playground.  In other words: Grandma, if it looks like porn on Facebook don’t click on it!  As far as the awkward advertising thing:  just look on the right side of your page on occasion to observe the silliness.

Reason 3:  Bands, spam and sbamds.  What really separated Facebook from Myspace in the before time was that Facebook kept bands on a two inch leash with a shock collar while Myspace was like the world’s largest dog park that every breeding pen in the world fed into and giant beef treats were dispensed the louder and more populated it became.  All of us stupid music people loved it.  If it wasn’t for the viruses, I would still be in that dog park and so would every band-type person because it was tailored for us.  Social entertainment I think they call it now.  So what Myspace-type change did Facebook recently make to raise my paranoia level to orange?  Basically changed their motto to, “Let slip the dogs of spam!”  And remember bands are spam. Bands now have all the ability to annoy everyone just as they did with Myspace.  This will further drive away the normal people who were the original foundation of Facebook who were simply looking for some social connections and to play Farmville until their veins collapsed or they became fused to their chair.  I actually have 3 FB accounts. (Don’t ask.)  On the one I affectionately call “The Dumpster” (due to the amount of “friends” (1040) on it),  I currently have 108 invites to events that are just for the remainder of this week and it’s Thursday.  Facebook is now Invitebook, Spambook, Phishbook and Zuckerbook can have as many video conferences as he wants but this lil Prodigy of his is just about….oh wait, now I’m up to 110 event invites on “The Dumpster.”  No really, I am.

And one other reason…many people just like me are getting very sick of the empty mental-calorie distraction that is FB.  But of course I am in charge of my own actions and will delete my Facebook account just as soon as I look over these 111 event invites from people I don’t know.