Part of May 2012 by

Well Somebody Has Discovered a Cash (Sea) Cow

I have too much data inbound at any time and here is proof.  I was working on some email interactions where I am basically bargaining with various publicists on all the coasts (publicists live on coasts it’s against their code to live in Des Moines) for coverage of shows, and shwag, and whatever else I can think of at the time.  Then literally simultaneously a commercial comes on the TV for a music cruise, a buddy of mine sends me a text with the subject line, “LET’S DO THIS!!!!!!!!” about a music cruise, and I get an email from a publicist about a different music cruise.  The music industry might be a rotting in-the-red corpse but damnit! “We’re going on a cruise!”

First up is the cruise that was on my TV, and I don’t have cable. I watch broadcast TV.  Come back when you’re done laughing.  The commercial was for the First Annual Soul Train Cruise February 17th – 24th 2013.  I would do this one in a heartbeat even if I had to be towed behind it.  I mean let’s do some simple math.  You can go see Kool and The Gang open up for Van Halen (Which I am now calling bad-touch-uncle Van Halen because they are uncomfortable on any level to be around these days.  You doubt? Watch their new video.) for a $150 a ticket.   Or you can spend a week with them and Patti LaBelle, The O’Jays, Jeffrey Osborne, War, The Spinners, Jody Watley and bunch more that will just get me in trouble for word count padding for around 2 grand.  I would challenge War all week to a cannon ball contest just for the irony.

The next two are such mountain of gold money winners you can just hear the promoters new Ferraris purring.  Who wants to get Ship Rocked?! Well I sorta do and, yes, I just admitted to that.  Ship Rocked is a 4 day and night cruise that hits Fort Lauderdale, Key West, and Nassau, Bahamas and starts at $799 per person.  The headliners are Godsmack and Five Finger Death Punch with a whole slew of nationals and semi nationals behind them.  From what I have heard all but the big headliners just get a free all expenses paid trip for their performances which after 200 tour dates in a glorified van must sound pretty enticing.

Kevin Lyman, Mr. Genius of all festival tours has now raised his magic money wand at the cruise industry and came up with the Mayhem Cruise Dec 7 – 10 2012.  FYI the bunk beds with no windows are already sold out there Mr. Metal Gilligan.

1A-Inside Various Decks Upper & Lower Beds Only 2 people $699.00 Sold Out

This cruise has all the big stars of the Mayhem Festival on board and I bet as soon as Master Lyman can figure out how to legally cram 2,000 teenagers onto a boat there will be a Vans Warped Tour Cruise.  Salt Peter generously served with every meal, cupcake, beverage, party hat, towel and free VWT emblazoned chastity belts for anyone under 18.  With the sold out success of the 311 cruise I can’t imagine that the VWT cruise isn’t far behind.

Before we hit the totally absurd waters Cap’n here’s a quick list of some other music themed cruises which I actually just figured out globally is at 500 per year.  500 music-themed cruises.  People like expensive boat concerts I guess.

Rock legends 2.  Foreigner, some weird CCR remake and a bunch of others.

The Kiss Kruise I guess some sort of incarnation of Kiss plays.  HEY! They have shuffleboard honey!

And the Lyle Lovett cruise known as with Lyle and a bunch of others

And ohhh, what the hell one more, here’s the Turner Classic Movie cruise which will be a nice slice of left field ginger for your palette before I sock you with the next one.

Please raise your arms up (Come on do it.  It’s not like anyone is watching you read this.)  And in your deepest and darkest voice cryptically bellow:  THE BARGE TO HELL!  Yeah you wish I was making this one up:  The Barge to Hell is a 4 day cruise from Miami to the Hellhamas and back, or the Bahamas, yeah whatever just rolling with the theme.  Its musical talent roster is made up of 40 bands that sound like you left a chainsaw running on your face during your summer stay at Camp Evisceration.  I envision exactly two (2) types of conversations occurring on this soon to be decommissioned retiring sea vessel during this cruise, “Dude, aren’t you the lead growler for Putrid Rotted Eyeballs?” “Wow yeah I am, thanks for noticing! Aren’t you the third lead bassist for Ground Up Butt Stench?” “I totally am, man! So nice to meet you!”

Conversation #2.

“Are there any chicks on this boat?”


Now here’s the greatest thing of all.  They allow quad booking on all the rooms. What more could you ask for!?


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